April 2014

4/29/14

Kaffee! Schnell!

ludwig van beethoven sitting at the piano composing his fifth symphony

An intense-looking man walks into a Starbucks. He begins shouting loudly in German: "Kaffee! Schnell!" The barista shouts back angrily: "Compose yourself!" and hands him a tall cup of the house blend. He knocks it back immediately and once again shouts:

"Kaffee! SCHNELL!"

The barista, annoyed at the man's crude behavior, hands him another cup of coffee; he proceeds to chug it in several large gulps before beginning his unruly screaming once more:

"KAFFEE! KAFFEE! SCHNELL!"

He quickly downs the next cup of coffee that the barista brings him.

This happens two more times before the barista has finally had it. She shouts at the man:

"COMPOSE YOURSELF! This is your FIFTH!" and realizes with some embarrassment that the man is deaf. She continues, "Clearly these cups are too small. What size would you like now?"

The man exclaims, "Beethoventi!"

4/27/14

Hypothetical question

If a hypothetical question walked into a Starbucks, would it make a noise?

4/24/14

Spanish Inquisition

The Spanish Inquisition sneaks into a Starbucks. NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUSITION!

4/23/14

Al Sharpton

Al Sharpton walks into a Starbucks and orders a black coffee. Because creamer is racist.

4/22/14

See docter? No Catvities!

yellow cat with sharp teeth at the dentist proud to have no cavities

Plastic Surgeon

A plastic surgeon in full scrubs walks into a Starbucks. Before the barista can ask him what he'd like, he begins to rattle off demands: "Tall bold pour-over, no room for cream, 185 degrees, no sugar, no flavoring. I'd like it in my personal to-go mug, with 7 napkins on the side, OK?" The barista, unfazed by the surgeon's request, calmly replies, "Suture self."

4/20/14

Swiss Couple

william tell the slug leading a battalion of Swiss soldiers

A Swiss couple marches into a Starbucks. The woman orders immediately, but when the man steps up to the counter, he starts rambling to the barista:

"Good afternoon, how are you? I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Bill! OK, let's get this order started! My, what a lovely day, huh? I'd like to ask you a few questions about the menu, if I may… but before I order, may I sample your bold roast? Are you having any specials today? Hmm... do you think that a mild roast would pair well with a doughnut? Great. Here we go!--"

The man's wife cuts in suddenly: "William! Tell the man what you want and stop making overtures!!"

4/17/14

Barack Obama

Barack Obama walks into a Starbucks and orders a drink; everyone following him gets stuck with the tab.

Conjoined Twins

siamese twins grazing in a pasture oh wait they're horses

If a pair of conjoined twins walked into a Starbucks to order coffee, would they use half and half?

4/16/14

Undertaker

An undertaker walks into a Starbucks and orders a grande Italian roast. The barista inquires, "Did you want me to add any milk?" The undertaker replies, "No, thank you. I'll make sure it gets creamated…"

4/14/14

Haberdasher

A haberdasher walks into a Starbucks and says to the barista "I don't want to order anything! How do you like that!?" The barista replies, "Suit yourself."

4/13/14

Robert Mugabe

robert gabriel mugabe is the dictator in chief of Zimbabwe

Robert Mugabe walks into a Starbucks and refuses to leave.

Typical pirate yuppie

typical smug yuppy pirate preparing to drink a cup of joe and he looks like Captain Jack Sparrow

A typical pirate yuppie walks into a Starbucks, orders a tall Gold Coast roast, and pays with his Starbucks gold card.

Alliteration

curvy red brick pathway meandering through a meadow by means of repeated pavers

Alliteration meanders mindlessly into a metroplex Starbucks, metabolizes a macchiato, munches on a muffin, and meekly mingles with Mexican meteorologists, mustached Moroccan mystics, and Methodist missionaries.

4/12/14

Golden Rule

bar of pure gold looking all heavy and shiny and what not

The Golden Rule walks into a Starbucks and cheerfully hands the barista a Quad Venti Latte.

4/11/14

Bill Nye the Science Guy

Bill Nye the Science guy walks into a Starbucks and orders a 12oz beverage receptacle filled to 85% capacity with 212°F dihydrogen monoxide, heavily infused with C8H10N4O2 and tannic acid.

A 3oz infusion of pasteurized mammary secretion, extracted from a lactating bovine and chilled to 42°F, was requested for the purpose of skewing thermal intensity towards absolute zero, knowing, of course, that this temperature can never be reached due to the quantum vacuum zero-point energy inherent in the beverage.

The data is not yet in regarding the volume or diffusion rate of the synthesized sucrose additives which were introduced to the beverage, although early results indicate that Nye's tastebuds were able to detect said additives.

4/10/14

Computer Programmer

A computer programmer walks into a 01110011 01110100 01100001 01110010 01100010 01110101 01100011 01101011 01110011 and orders a venti 01100110 01110010 01100001 01110000 01110000 01110101 01100011 01100011 01101001 01101110 01101111.

4/9/14

Antimetabole

a duck waddling anxiously across the mojave desert

Ask not if antimetabole walks into Starbucks, but if Starbucks walks into antimetabole.

Coffee like human-nip!? Dat crazy!

grey and white cat hissing and screeching with uproarious laughter and large teeth

Georg Philipp Telemann

A German mother and her son walk into a Starbucks. She instructs her son, "Georg Philipp my cup then Telemann what you want!"

4/8/14

Cat fiend like caffeine.

multi-colored tabby feline kitty demanding intravenous caffeine

Syllogism

All syllogisms enjoy walking into a Starbucks.

Aristotle's best friend is a syllogism.

Therefore, Aristotle's best friend enjoys walking into Starbucks.

Enthymeme

Creators of enthymemes enjoy walking into Starbucks.

Therefore, poor logicians enjoy walking into Starbucks.

B-List Canadian-American Celebrity

phrenology is serious business to Alex Trebek

This B-list Canadian-American celebrity walked into a Starbucks and had his daily double shot of espresso. Who is Alex Trebek?

Give me a latte or I chew on yer anklez.

cute long haired chihuahua basking sun smiling and threatening to chew on ankles

4/7/14

A Man Whistling Merrily

colorful chalk like louis moreau gottschalk played with perhaps

A man whistling merrily walks into a Starbucks. He approaches the manager on duty and inquires in a strong cajun accent, "Will you please hire me to hand-letter all your menus and signage?" The manager replies "No," but the cajun insists: "Why not?! I Gottschalk!"

Fallacy of the Complex Question

lad in a red hat sad because he is being asked a complex question

When did the fallacy of the complex question walk into a Starbucks, before or after you stopped kicking puppies?

Kenneth Burke

Kenneth Burke walks into a Starbucks and selects a coffee, deflects a latte, and reflects concern over the price.

Ellipsis

Ellipsis into Starbucks. Orders. Satisfied.

Double Negative

Double negative doesn't not walk into a Starbucks.

4/6/14

Ad Hominem

Of course ad hominem walked into a Starbucks, moron.

High-Powered Trial Lawyer

A high-powered trial lawyer walks into a Starbucks. The barista politely asks him "Would you like to try our house blend?" and the lawyer immediately fires back, "On what grounds do you base your coffee?!"

Paralipsis

I shouldn't even mention that paralipsis walked into a Starbucks.

Neologism

$rainbow crystal pyramid refracting light$ A neologism walks into a Starbucks and orders a venti flapquaggle with 2% sturchess and a fresh-baked shunkberry brince.

Oxymoron

large amount of loose change coinage for buying a cup of joe

Oxymoron walks into a Starbucks and orders an inexpensive cup of coffee.

Innuendo

african ostrich winking while running excitedly toward a free food handout

Innuendo "walks" into a Starbucks and "orders" a "cup of coffee."

4/5/14

Heisenberg

Werner Heisenberg walks into a Starbucks and the barista asks him what he'll have. Heisenberg replies, "I'm uncertain."

Ghetto dog park haz no Starbucks.

sad yellow chihuahua with a black nose crying in the backyard

e.e. cummings

walks into

Starbucks

and

drinks

a

half-caff

cup

of tea

lovely yellow flowers signifying the beauty inherent in all poetry by e.e. cummings

New Starbucks Mascot? CHAIhuahua! (¡Ay, caramba!)

brown half-breed chihuahua cute with cold wet nose mascot starbucks chai

Michel Foucault

Michel Foucault surreptitiously enters a Starbucks and unwillingly orders the coffee.

Al Gore

Al Gore invented walking into a Starbucks.

Spoonerism

Spoonerism stalks into a Warbucks.

4/4/14

Hyperbole

sandcastle art sculpture of old male wizard blowing wind from the east

Hyperbole walks into a Starbucks and orders the biggest freakin' coffee ever. Seriously, it was huge.

Onomatopoeia

white duck with poofy mullet mohawk hairdo QUACK QUACK FLAP

Onomatopoeia walks into a Starbucks. BAM! The next guy uses the door.

Yoda

Walks into a Starbucks, Yoda does.

Philip Glass

Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks. Philip Glass walks into a Starbucks.