2014

9/13/14

Drill bit

A drill bit walks into a Starbucks and orders a coffee. With hole milk.

9/9/14

Paradox

A wooden dock used to secure the giant starbucks coffee ships just putting into port. Ahoy!

A paradox walks into a Starbucks. The first one, designed for iPods, ordered an Americano. The second, made of cedar and suitable for securing modestly-sized dinghies, had a macchiato.

9/7/14

Paradox

Cardiothoracic surgeon performing a triple bypass on his favorite barista in exchange for a venti latte.

A paradox walks into a Starbucks. The first—a neurosurgeon—orders a cappuccino. The second—a pediatrician—opts for the pumpkin spice latte.

9/4/14

MS-DOS

MS-DOS walks into a Starbucks and orders a

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| ;--.
| (__ \
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| |/ /
| / /
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\ y'
`-.._____..-'

and a

_.-------._
.' ___ '.
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'-.______..-'

9/3/14

Court bailiff

Courtroom bailiff swearing in a hardened criminal who stole a bottle of 2% milk.

A courtroom bailiff walks into a Starbucks and orders a grande Americano with sugar and milk, the whole milk, and nothing but the milk.

8/30/14

North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles (DMV)

Golden retriever being kicked out of the North Carolina DMV for being too darn cute.

The North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles (DMV) walks into a Starbucks. After having the barista fill out a stack of useless forms and remake its beverage five times, it decides that it needs to come back on another day.

8/25/14

Procrustes

The Greek stretcher and conformer himself, cutting the grass before taking a nap in his procrustean bed.

Procrustes walks into a Starbucks. After cutting to the front of the line and ordering a quad venti latte, he insists that it be served in a shot glass. The barista, fond of his arms and legs, does exactly that.

6/9/14

Sine wave

A sine wave walks into a Starbucks and orders one blueberry muffin, balanced on top of a bagel, soaked with four shots of espresso, and microwaved on high for five minutes. The barista raises his eyebrows, but before he can comment on the peculiar request, the since wave advises:

"It's just a phase I'm going through."

5/31/14

Anagram

Anagram walks into a Starbucks; the barista asks what he'd like to order.

"A clown's toffee badge!" is the enthusiastic reply.

"Say what?" replies the barista.

"Felt bacon wedges, oaf!"

"Umm…" the barista trails off.

"A bad, soft fleece gown!" The anagram replies, and confirms: "God's new tee-off cabal."

As the barista stares with amazement at this bizarre customer, the anagram angrily places the same order a fifth time:

"Bagel and two coffees."

5/19/14

Euthyphro's Lesser-Known Dilemma

Euthyphro walked into a Starbucks and ordered a tall coffee. The barista probed:

"We have two options for you this afternoon, our blonde roast and our Pike Place Roast. Which would you like?"

Euthyphro stared wide-eyed at the employee for a few moments, turned on his heels, and walked out. As it turns out, he deemed the decision impossible, so he went home and had a meatloaf sandwich instead. Silly old Euthyphro.

5/13/14

Euphemism

This fire is super blazing hot with yellow and red flames and could also be considered warm

A euphemism walks into a Starbucks and orders a coffee. He takes a gulp, scalds his taste buds, and begins to scream hysterically. When the barista asks him what his problem is, he pauses momentarily and replies: "This coffee is a bit too warm."

5/12/14

Limerick

A limerick walked into a Star
bucks paid were too many by far.
with coffee so pricey,
and service that dicey,
it left not a tip in the jar.

5/3/14

Palindrome

Palindrome walks into a Starbucks and dna skcubratS a otni sklaw emordnilaP

5/2/14

Logical contradiction

upside down and potentially logically contradictory house in a green field

A logical contradiction walks into a Starbucks and orders a hot cup of iced coffee, unsweetened, with half-and-half and two packs of sugar.

5/1/14

Stream of consciousness

A stream of consciousness walks into Starbucks, pauses briefly at the end of line, waiting patiently to order, but it seems so cold in this room and the prices are a bit too high I have to wonder if it is a good idea to come here, is the pricing even fair or reasonable? Yet it is the only place this client is ever willing to meet to discuss the details of their social media campaign, as if it makes a difference where we meet, and I can't help but wonder why we can't meet in the library where the homeless people hang out, I like them a lot, they have stories; I think a Grande Veranda pour-over might be nice or even a doppio but the prices--goodness--can't they do more with coupons? I don't think I've ever seen a Starbucks coupon or discount; rarified stuff, ambrosia; am I being scammed? So much hand-lettered chalk signage and who does it all? Moving forward two spots now, someone gave up on the line and left, heck yeah! Where's my friend...no, client, not a friend, a client. Can a client be a friend, my pants itch, free wifi, lofi, hifi, whyaskwhyfi, there's something to be said for their business model and those white paper cups, and I don't think they hire people without tattoos anymore; I'm not sure anyone doesn't have tattoos anymore, do they throw out their coffee every hour? But free refills for gold card members I might give up on Starbucks ah time to order, fantastic, what do I want.

4/29/14

Kaffee! Schnell!

ludwig van beethoven sitting at the piano composing his fifth symphony

An intense-looking man walks into a Starbucks. He begins shouting loudly in German: "Kaffee! Schnell!" The barista shouts back angrily: "Compose yourself!" and hands him a tall cup of the house blend. He knocks it back immediately and once again shouts:

"Kaffee! SCHNELL!"

The barista, annoyed at the man's crude behavior, hands him another cup of coffee; he proceeds to chug it in several large gulps before beginning his unruly screaming once more:

"KAFFEE! KAFFEE! SCHNELL!"

He quickly downs the next cup of coffee that the barista brings him.

This happens two more times before the barista has finally had it. She shouts at the man:

"COMPOSE YOURSELF! This is your FIFTH!" and realizes with some embarrassment that the man is deaf. She continues, "Clearly these cups are too small. What size would you like now?"

The man exclaims, "Beethoventi!"

4/27/14

Hypothetical question

If a hypothetical question walked into a Starbucks, would it make a noise?

4/24/14

Spanish Inquisition

The Spanish Inquisition sneaks into a Starbucks. NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUSITION!

4/23/14

Al Sharpton

Al Sharpton walks into a Starbucks and orders a black coffee. Because creamer is racist.

4/22/14

See docter? No Catvities!

yellow cat with sharp teeth at the dentist proud to have no cavities

Plastic Surgeon

A plastic surgeon in full scrubs walks into a Starbucks. Before the barista can ask him what he'd like, he begins to rattle off demands: "Tall bold pour-over, no room for cream, 185 degrees, no sugar, no flavoring. I'd like it in my personal to-go mug, with 7 napkins on the side, OK?" The barista, unfazed by the surgeon's request, calmly replies, "Suture self."

4/20/14

Swiss Couple

william tell the slug leading a battalion of Swiss soldiers

A Swiss couple marches into a Starbucks. The woman orders immediately, but when the man steps up to the counter, he starts rambling to the barista:

"Good afternoon, how are you? I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Bill! OK, let's get this order started! My, what a lovely day, huh? I'd like to ask you a few questions about the menu, if I may… but before I order, may I sample your bold roast? Are you having any specials today? Hmm... do you think that a mild roast would pair well with a doughnut? Great. Here we go!--"

The man's wife cuts in suddenly: "William! Tell the man what you want and stop making overtures!!"

4/17/14

Barack Obama

Barack Obama walks into a Starbucks and orders a drink; everyone following him gets stuck with the tab.

Conjoined Twins

siamese twins grazing in a pasture oh wait they're horses

If a pair of conjoined twins walked into a Starbucks to order coffee, would they use half and half?

4/16/14

Undertaker

An undertaker walks into a Starbucks and orders a grande Italian roast. The barista inquires, "Did you want me to add any milk?" The undertaker replies, "No, thank you. I'll make sure it gets creamated…"

4/14/14

Haberdasher

A haberdasher walks into a Starbucks and says to the barista "I don't want to order anything! How do you like that!?" The barista replies, "Suit yourself."

4/13/14

Robert Mugabe

robert gabriel mugabe is the dictator in chief of Zimbabwe

Robert Mugabe walks into a Starbucks and refuses to leave.

Typical pirate yuppie

typical smug yuppy pirate preparing to drink a cup of joe and he looks like Captain Jack Sparrow

A typical pirate yuppie walks into a Starbucks, orders a tall Gold Coast roast, and pays with his Starbucks gold card.

Alliteration

curvy red brick pathway meandering through a meadow by means of repeated pavers

Alliteration meanders mindlessly into a metroplex Starbucks, metabolizes a macchiato, munches on a muffin, and meekly mingles with Mexican meteorologists, mustached Moroccan mystics, and Methodist missionaries.

4/12/14

Golden Rule

bar of pure gold looking all heavy and shiny and what not

The Golden Rule walks into a Starbucks and cheerfully hands the barista a Quad Venti Latte.

4/11/14

Bill Nye the Science Guy

Bill Nye the Science guy walks into a Starbucks and orders a 12oz beverage receptacle filled to 85% capacity with 212°F dihydrogen monoxide, heavily infused with C8H10N4O2 and tannic acid.

A 3oz infusion of pasteurized mammary secretion, extracted from a lactating bovine and chilled to 42°F, was requested for the purpose of skewing thermal intensity towards absolute zero, knowing, of course, that this temperature can never be reached due to the quantum vacuum zero-point energy inherent in the beverage.

The data is not yet in regarding the volume or diffusion rate of the synthesized sucrose additives which were introduced to the beverage, although early results indicate that Nye's tastebuds were able to detect said additives.

4/10/14

Computer Programmer

A computer programmer walks into a 01110011 01110100 01100001 01110010 01100010 01110101 01100011 01101011 01110011 and orders a venti 01100110 01110010 01100001 01110000 01110000 01110101 01100011 01100011 01101001 01101110 01101111.

4/9/14

Antimetabole

a duck waddling anxiously across the mojave desert

Ask not if antimetabole walks into Starbucks, but if Starbucks walks into antimetabole.

Coffee like human-nip!? Dat crazy!

grey and white cat hissing and screeching with uproarious laughter and large teeth

Georg Philipp Telemann

A German mother and her son walk into a Starbucks. She instructs her son, "Georg Philipp my cup then Telemann what you want!"

4/8/14

Cat fiend like caffeine.

multi-colored tabby feline kitty demanding intravenous caffeine

Syllogism

All syllogisms enjoy walking into a Starbucks.

Aristotle's best friend is a syllogism.

Therefore, Aristotle's best friend enjoys walking into Starbucks.

Enthymeme

Creators of enthymemes enjoy walking into Starbucks.

Therefore, poor logicians enjoy walking into Starbucks.

B-List Canadian-American Celebrity

phrenology is serious business to Alex Trebek

This B-list Canadian-American celebrity walked into a Starbucks and had his daily double shot of espresso. Who is Alex Trebek?

Give me a latte or I chew on yer anklez.

cute long haired chihuahua basking sun smiling and threatening to chew on ankles

4/7/14

A Man Whistling Merrily

colorful chalk like louis moreau gottschalk played with perhaps

A man whistling merrily walks into a Starbucks. He approaches the manager on duty and inquires in a strong cajun accent, "Will you please hire me to hand-letter all your menus and signage?" The manager replies "No," but the cajun insists: "Why not?! I Gottschalk!"